Fucked around and got a triple double…

For the last three years, I wanted to go to South by Southwest. Last year I came close, I was at least in the same state, but this year I really thought it was going to happen. Alas, it did not. but Someone who ALWAYS gets everything they want will be going AGAIN. It’s true, Mr. Gordon once more gets to go on a mini-excursion that turns me green with envy but makes me proud at the same time. The man works hard at what he does, what that is I don’t really know, but never the less he works hard at it and in return he is rewarded with the chance to rub elbows and clank beers with a dream team of underground celebrities. What an asshole.

In the past years, Mr. Gordon has not just attended various musical performances but has successfully befriended our most favorite comedian, got invited to a fancy schmancy party, interviewed some fat guy who he apparently idolizes, and also smashed numerous beer bottles on the ground while signing to Against me! and swinging around a light pole. Am I jealous though? Obviously not. But just because I can't go to Austin, to the only place I'd like to be right now, doesn't mean that I can't do cool things right here in the suburbs of Illinois.I started racking my brain for ideas and I came up with some goals that I could set and reach in what I like to call “the off season.”

• Just as Jesus is the reason for Christmas, NCAA is the reason that the month of March exists. In celebration of this years March Madness tournament, I have decided to get in the game myself. I have created a large NCAA bracket that is displayed in my “game room” along with the ten extra TV’s I have rented from our local Rentacenter so I can follow every game that is played. I have also dedicated myself to finding out just what the madness is all about, and why the hell people give this big a shit about college basketball. I do reserve the right to refuse to paint my face with that crazy makeup though. I have sensitive skin; we don’t want to go there. I will report my findings and my winnings at a later date. In all honesty, I’m rooting for the Demon Deacons, it just seems so right. Go (insert your favorite college basketball team here)!!!!!
• I am going to become superstitious. I see this as a sort of off shoot of obsessive compulsion and hope that it will in the end lead to taking up much of my days and take my mind off of the fun Mr. Gordon is having. Either that or I’m going to lose a lot of friends due to the fact that my socks haven’t been washed in weeks and I continually carry around a 2x4. To me, it’s a healthy hobby and nothing but a win/win situation.
• Much time and effort will go into developing my new strut. Enough said.
• I will be coining a much needed catch phrase.
• I am going to Keep It Real.
• Map out my next vacation which will take me cross country with stops at all of America’s best faux landmarks: The biggest ball of yarn and wheel of cheese just to name a few, and also every Bob’s Big Boy location that I can find. Who doesn’t love a restaurant with alliteration in the title and a huge ugly child as its mascot?
• I’m going to take this time to think of get rich quick and pyramid schemes in order to pay off my abundance of student loans.

So that is what I will be doing in my time here...now a glimpse into what Mr.Gordon is doing right now...while we speak via his T-Mobile Sidekick that he takes discreet photos with and leaks them to the internet...


Mr.Gordon (7:43:25 PM): Fuuuuuuuuck yeah
Auto response from Kdubbs (7:43:26 PM): around
Kdubbs (7:43:36 PM): oh jesus christ
Kdubbs (7:43:37 PM): thank god
Kdubbs (7:43:41 PM): are you in Austin yet?
Kdubbs(7:43:55 PM): nice cadilac icon
Mr. Gordon (7:43:58 PM): Fuck yeah I am
Mr. Gordon(7:44:03 PM): Haha thanks
Kdubbs (7:44:10 PM): i fucking hate you so much.
Mr. Gordon(7:44:47 PM): Dude I could not be happier to be here
Kdubbs(7:45:18 PM): It fucking snowed balls today
Mr. Gordon(7:46:03 PM): Its fucking like 69 and perfect
Mr. Gordon(7:46:43 PM): What have you done so far?
Mr. Gordon (7:47:29 PM): I'm kinda tips tight now
Kdubbs(7:47:47 PM): it's 7:45!
Kdubbs (7:47:54 PM): i'm so jealous.
Mr. Gordon (7:48:27 PM): Hahahahah
Mr. Gordon (7:48:40 PM): Dude I might not ever come back
Kdubbs (7:48:50 PM): I might not ever speak to you again.
Mr. Gordon (7:49:19 PM): Austin "gets it" dude
Mr. Gordon (7:49:35 PM): I love everything about this festival and this city
Mr. Gordon (7:49:46 PM): I feel at home everywhere I go
Kdubbs (7:49:53 PM): are you crying?
Mr. Gordon (7:50:17 PM): Hahhaha
Mr. Gordon(7:50:29 PM): I just might of pooed my pants a little
Kdubbs (7:50:39 PM): Did you Shart?
Mr. Gordon (7:51:16 PM): Nope
Mr. Gordon (7:51:25 PM): I fully pooed
Kdubbs (7:51:32 PM): no "I LITERALLY shit my pants"
Mr. Gordon (7:52:03 PM): Hahahhahahhahaha
Mr. Gordon (7:53:31 PM): I'm going to watch mix master mike in a warehouse tonight
Kdubbs (7:54:44 PM): So you're going to a rave tonight?
Mr. Gordon (7:57:26 PM): I'm gonna pass out in the street tonight
Kdubbs (7:57:41 PM): with glowsticks?

...that was the last I heard from him that night. The next morning:

" Things were great, skipped the rave. Went to a party the Taylor Hawkins (foo drummer) was at and I was too big of a lady to talk to him.

Drank a bunch of beers. Now in pain.
God bless.

__gordon__ "

Sounds like things went wonderfully for him. As for me, I didn't have enough money to keep all the stuff i rented for March Madness and all the teams I picked for my bracket already lost in the first round. Basketball is for suckers. Onto something new...