Correspondence - The 2nd Coming

Trust me.

2007-02-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

So...in the midst of my Austin story telling, my apartment was smashed open by an unknown offender and robbed like a muhfuhkuh.

You can view the rest of my pics here:
http://http://noctrl.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011870&l=18946&id=64600816

Some highlights include:
-ice in Texas
-gross weather
-mini margaritas in the Real World Austin house

Mechanical bulls probably still work in the cold or Austin - Part Three

2007-01-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

Saturday:

When we woke up on Saturday, it looked like this outside. It was grey and rainy the day before, but this day's weather had an added element of gross...it was now 40 degrees. The shorts should have gone back into the suitcase for the remainder of the trip but I was stubborn and decided to still wear them. I WAS ON VACATION! We woke up kind of late and I ran downstairs to see if we could still catch breakfast, but they were dead set on on closing up shop at 11am. Luckily, there was an IHOP right down the street from us and we headed over there. I wish I had a picture of our waitress because she was so very pregnant that she would almost knock stuff off of the table with her belly as she reached to put your plate down on the table. Nice girl, very preggers, with neck tattoos.

After our brunch at the trusty IHOP, we headed back to the hotel. All of the flower work that was done the night before was scheduled to be done on Saturday, so we really didn't have much to do during the day. I went down and fought off the University of Colorado Women's basketball team (true story) for use of the fitness center, and Sarah continued working on the wedding present.

Later that evening was the rehearsal dinner, and it was way down south of Austin. Over an hour's drive, very close to San Antonio. Thirty or so more miles and we would have been passing the Alamo. The area we ended up in was country as country can be. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the "restaurant" that we were at was the only one in town. Very very nice place, but more of house that serves food than anything. We passed the above exit on the way down there and decided not to get off.

Sarah and Maria (bride-to-be) at the dinner. All of their family and friends were just really nice and sincere people and we could not have been happier to be down there and be part of all of it. There is something to be said about small weddings because of how personal and intimate everything tends to be.

After the dinner, we headed back to Austin and hit up a grocery store for beer, a cheese ball, crackers, and a bottle of champagne (for the girls the next day before the wedding). I had to break into the restaurant in the hotel (it didn't have doors, so I pretty much walked right in) and stole a plate and a knife for our cheeseball. We (mostly me) were hungry already so I devoured half of the cheese ball and crackers while Sarah finished the quilt and I watched the end of the football game. The finished product is above (notice the first picture has me sound asleep under it...she was up late again).

Side note: I can't believe that "PREGGERS" isn't in Blogger's spell check list.

Super sunny and warm vacation or Austin - Part Two

2007-01-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

Friday

I woke up early, Sarah was still awake, and we eventually got ourselves out the door. It was surprisingly warm outside so we walked the whole way down to the blue line stop instead of calling a cab. The trains were pretty full already with closed-eyed early morning workers, but we managed to squeeze our bags in there and get ourselves out to O'Hare. I've never taken the train to the airport before but it ended up being very convenient and easy.

Sarah happy to be on another trip together, me happy with the screaming kid behind us. We actually hadn't left the gate yet. The flight was quick and easy and we both tried to sleep the whole time, but I don't think either of us fell asleep for more than a couple minutes at a time thanks to the previously mentioned toddler.

We made it to Austin. 70 degrees and raining and I was happy because I could still wear shorts in the rain. We picked up our Mazda 3 and headed downtown to find something to eat and our hotel. Above is Sarah driving us past Stubbs BBQ. It's a BBQ place and concert venue in its backyard. This is also where one Gordon Mays and one Kevin Manno attended a party as personal guests of David Cross...memories. Stubbs has good food, but it is kinda like the Hard Rock Cafe sort of place in Austin, meaning that it is sort of touristy (you can get Stubbs BBQ sauce all over the country in grocery stores including Jewel and Dominicks), so we headed to a place that is always slammed during SXSW called Ironworks BBQ. I've been there a handfull of times and it is easily my favorite place to eat in Austin.

We devoured our trays full of meats and spicy sauce and washed our hands with wetnaps. If you are ever in Austin, go to this place, and be sure to grab a bunch of toothpicks.

After we ate, we attempted to find our hotel. The first try proved unlucky and we ended up at the wrong place, which was fine because it was sort of out of the way. We eventually found the right place and got settled in (mainly took itty bitty naps because we were exhausted already). A little bit later on in the afternoon we needed to go meet up with the bride-to-be at a flower wholesaler. Sarah was doing all the flowers for the wedding and they needed to get all the supplies. It was a pretty cool place for a flower shop, it was in an old gas station. I forgot the camera.

From there, Sarah and I parted ways so she could go with the ladies to work on the flowers and do girly pre-wedding stuff like giggle and drink wine. I was invited, but I politely declined. I'm sure they were just as relieved. I hopped in our Mazda and headed back to the hotel where I took another nap and then made plans to meet up with homeboys from Austin...

We went to a place called BarFlys, which happened to be really close to where we were staying. It was a really cool bar, and probably a place I would hang out at if I lived down there. No gimmicks or anything, just a rock and roll bar with a kickass jukebox and very cheap beer (which I had a bunch of).

Normally, I would eat mexican food after drinking a ton of beer, but I had no idea as to which of 76 mexican places near me were good, so I decided to find a Sonic...and I found one. It baffels me as to why we get the commercials for Sonic up here in Chicago, but everytime I see one, I always crave their slushes and it was time to feed that craving with a cherry-lime slush and a jalapeno cheeseburger. The south is good.

It was late and it was getting chilly out, so I went back to the hotel to tear into that burger and fall asleep with a dyed-red mouth. Sarah came in much later with no pictures to share, but very happy with the flower situation.

(Sarah took pictures of all of the flowers she did at the actual wedding on a different camera, so those will surface at a later date I would imagine.)

Pack your bags, we're gettin' out of here or Austin - Part One

2007-01-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

I realized that most of my vacation days or days off from work have been spent in Austin, Texas...a place that I really have loved since first laying my beautiful brown eyes on it a few years ago. So in an attempt to keep that streak alive, the queen and I packed our best threads and headed down south for good ol' Texas weddin'.

K. Dubbs threatened me with some messed up stuff if I did not document this trip (she has never experienced the Austin), so it goes as follows:

Thursday

When planning my winter vacation, I decided to take Thursday off to relax and pack and run errands at my own pace instead of a rush around before our early morning flight on Friday. This was a good idea until about 8pm, when I realized that I really hadn't accomplished much and I was in fact, behind. I did manage to get out to Woodfield to pick up my new suit that was being tailored to my curvy body and say hello to my parents for a little bit.

Eventually, I began the packing process. This time was easy. Going to the Lonestar State, you must pack your cowboy shirts. Done.

Sarah was actually further behind than I, but her excuse was valid. She did not take the day off and sit in sweatpants for most of the day on the couch. Regardless, she was preparing for what would eventually become an "all-nighter" as she worked on the quilt that we were giving the happy couple as a wedding present.

Our kitchen table hasn't been a kitchen table for most of our time in this apartment...it is a sewing table. Nevertheless, the sewing table in use. It is late.

After I made a comment about putting things off until the last minute and informing her that I would be calling it a night... 4:30AM alarm would be blaring in a few short hours.

And this is where I would leave her until my alarm went off. She never went to sleep.

Trust Game.

2006-11-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

Please consider this a peace offering.

I have been absent from C5K for longer than I have wanted to (not that I wanted to at all), and I just wanted to tell my dearest friend, Dubbs, that I will be back. I have many a thing to discuss and this is my promise that it will be done very soon.

Halloween, I got a cat, I'm getting old...oh and I hate my hair.

2006-10-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

A smorgasbord of subjects to touch on today...

Hallowiener

Living on my own and handing out candy that I paid for myself makes me bitter about giving it away to people who don't even try. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the kids whose parents may not have enough money to buy a costume so they paint thier faces with mom's old make up and go out to get some candy...at least they did something and they are appreciative of what you give them. I'm talking about the snot nosed 14 or 15 year old brat who came to my door with a sheet hanging off of his New Era hat with a Jewel bag and just rang the door bell and expected me to throw him some tasty starburst or skittles...ummm Hi, WTF happened to Trick or Mother Fuckin' Treat?!? That's what it's called, so say it you little dick head. Next year, I'm buying "deserving candy" and "undeserving candy" The deserving kids will get good shit...the undeserving teenagers that need to be at home helping their own parents hand the shit out will get a slightly less appealing piece of treasure. Still candy...I'm not looking to get my pumpkins fucked up or my siding glazed with egg yoke...but come on. Give me a fucking break dude. If you're too cool to wear a costume, I'm for sure too cool to get off my ass while I'm watching my shows and give you the candy that I'd rather eat myself. For realz.

I prefer "Spinster"
We got a cat this weekend. Someone here is allergic, so I promise to keep the cat blog to a minimum. To sum it up, he's adorable, a terror, his internal alarm goes off at 5 am, he loves me and I still haven't thought of a name. We are leaning towards something...maybe it's Jerome...maybe it isn't. I haven't decided yet. What do you think?

I'm old and I'm so over myself.

Saturday night, I went to bed at 11:15. Sunday 10:30...last night, fell asleep watching tv at 9:30 and was told to go up to bed at 10:30! Point being, I'm exhausted and I'm really not doing that much to be this tired. I need to exercise...it's becoming necessary. I may wake up tomorrow and suddenly be 72. Seriously. Lastly,I kind of hate my hair now. I'm over it. I'm not really much for change. I like things the way they are...but every once in a while I get "crazy" and decide to do something like, I dunno, cut bangs in my hair. This happens mostly when I'm bored, have a day off and think things like cutting bangs when you haven't had them since you were a freshman in High School is awesome. It's probably not. Sometimes I like them, but mostly I think I look like a beagle. That's right, I said it. A beagle.

But alas, hair grows back right? What makes it grow faster, besides getting knocked up?

I'm going to watch some skell-ivision with my old pal, Conan. Goodnight and happy Halloween to everyone who is "deserving" of such warm wishes.

ghoul,
.K.

America's Next Top Employment Scandal???

2006-10-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

I was going to post about last night's episode of ANTM...but while searching online for junk about it, I found this:

Don't work it!

Apparently, the writers from ANTM are on strike. Who knew?

"We are on strike seeking a union contract to insure we get basic benefits like health insurance. One episode of America's Next Top Model brings in an estimated $2.4 million in ad revenue for the network. Yet the writers work without health insurance, a pension, or a fair wage."

Shame on Tyra Banks too...she isn't supporting the people who create what sells the show. I guess I never thought about writers being behind all of it, to be honest the 'dialogue' of the show isn't what draws me to it, but I guess someone has to compose the "TYRAAAA MAIIIIL!" Right? Instead of supporting her writers, Tyra chooses to roll around on the set of her talk show, having seizures and giving away jewel encrusted jars of Vaseline to every audience member, which she states on the show are each worth over $100!!! That money wouldn't be better put to use to cover the health benefits of those writers? If you'd like to have an aneurysm, you can see that here.

Dis-gust-ing.

Lols at Lisa being on the picket lines for the writers though. At least she isn't bitter about being portrayed as the "old drunk" who was shown voluntarily peeing herself in a diaper in front of the Jackass jackasses on her cycle of the show. Hell no, she's capitalizing on that shit...selling t-shirts of her bikini clad silhouette guzzling a bottle of wine. Oh Lisa. I'm in the wrong industry....

Anyways...I hope those writers get their benefits. Will I stop watching ANTM, no...at least not for this cycle. I love Caridee. She overcame psoriasis for God's sakes.

Back to work. Wahhh Wahhh.

K.

Age ain't nothin' but a number...

2006-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. She is going to be 55. I love my Mom, if I was in kindergarten I would make her a big heart card out of macaroni and glitter. Instead I will eat Chinese food with my wacky family and enjoy the fact that I have such an awesome Mom. That's how much I love her. She so obviously loves me too.

Some things I have learned from my Mom:

My sense of humor and quit wit.
The importance of Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin and the Lido Shuffle.
How to be a true good friend.
Creativity .

Some things that are awesome about my Mom:

Her cackle.
Her ability to put someone in their place in her "mom tone" with a full smile on her face.
Her stories.
The fact that after hearing those stories, she is still such a good person and isn't in a loony bin.

Anyways, she rules.

Happy Birthday to her.

I look weird there, like I just woke up...it was easter, so maybe I was just tired from celebrating the resurrection or maybe I just gobbled too many ham sandies. But Ma Dubbs has eyes open and mouth closed as not to see her trusty gum wad...so we'll roll with it.

In other news...I don't have a Halloween costume, or Halloween plans for that matter. Somehow as I've gotten older, the whole idea of Halloween has become less fun to me. We are having a "pot luck" at work and I have to bring something but I'm not dressing up seeing as the e-mail specifically warned against "explicit" or "offensive" costumes. So all the ideas I had were out.

I wonder when the benefits of growing up are going to kick in? Beuller? Beuller?

We got a new coffee machine at work. Probably one of the sweetest things to happen since I've worked there. It's called a Flavia. Admire it in all it's glory:

It's brilliant. It has 30 different drink options from coffee to tea and I'm in love. Much to my chagrin though, it's only a trial until Friday. I filled out three surveys saying how much I liked it. It makes friggin' Milkey Way flavored drinks. One of my co-workers compared the hysteria regarding the new machine to Pretzel Day on "The Office", so true. I totally see a mutiny coming on if they don't sign a contract to keep this magical contraption. In the mean time I will be trying my best to sample as many drinks as I can. Please keep me and the Flavia in your thoughts and prayers.

Lastly, this is probably one of the best human interest stories I've ever seen. It's kind of slow in the first couple minutes, but stick with it and you won't be sorry. SkidBoot

That's about it for now.

Don't be an asshole.

k.

"Hindsight isn't just 20/20..."

2006-10-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

"it sticks it in and then proceeds to break one off..."

...vulgar deep thoughts from my brother that pretty much sum up life altogether. This weekend wasn't terrible, it just existed. Much like many things in my life right now, I'm looking back with the "what I should have done was..." glasses on.

Factual information:

-I was more than consumed both Friday and Saturday by this:

I have never been athletic, never played sports, never considered myself a "competitor" by any means known to man, but put this game in front of me and I'll probably not be your friend by the end of the night. This would be either because:

A) You are my teammate and I scold you continuously for not giving good enough clues, or not guessing my EASY description of famed Jefferson's actor Sherman Helmsley.

or

B) You are my competition and I've talked shit to you for the entire game because my team is winning.

You probably are better off with option B.

You may wonder what the hell this has to do with the subject of this post, and I'll tell you...this game is nothing but hindsight at it's best. You or your teammates telling eachother what you should have said in order to describe the word better...you beating yourself up because as soon as the buzzer goes off, you thought of the perfect clue to describe some obscure person, place or thing.

In all, I take this game way too seriously, but I totally have had thoughts of studying for it. Because I want to win.

-When I graduated from college, I moved back in with my Mom and Dad for a year before moving out and investing in some prime suburban real estate with my domestic partner. While living with my parents, I have no idea where the good "adult" salary I made went. I'm guessing gas, food, cigarettes, alcohol, bags, shoes, and clothes that I probably don't even wear anymore. I paid soley the minimum on my credit cards, which also paid for all of the above while I was in college, and never gave a thought to trying to pay down my debt. If I could go back to that time I would probably punch myself in the face or throw a glass of water at myself in order to snap the eff out of it and get down to business! But, alas, I am yet to harness my powers of time travel, so I sat in the dark on a Saturday night wallowing in hindsight and trying not to become a drinker as I figured out how much and how long I'll have to pay in order to be where I should have been by now and realizing how much of my money goes to household bills which would have been considered "disposable income" back at old Ma and Pa's. This part-the money part-is where the whole "sticking it in and breaking it off" really comes to play. I'd rather if you didn't try to visualize that, thanks.

Other events took place which aren't really any of your business, but to sum them up they included: hatred of others, sad day, fried chicken, the sweeds, perspiration, being a miserable wretch, first times and hopefully last times in the Jewel, back stabbing, that whole blood and water thickness thing...and getting roses even if it is a madeup holiday which really makes everything I just said in the above paragraph not so important.

Let's try to have a better few days okay?

okay.

.K.

if I've learned anything in my years....

2006-10-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

I learned I no longer believe in surprise.

I went to The Falcon show tonight. I'm glad I did. Good show. Got to see my pal G. And after the show, going to purchase my souvenir t-shirt...I saw him again?

VS...

Wierd? Wierd. You may have had to be there. But it wasn't just me. Some fine folks from the "Q" were promoting the morning show outside and I overheard them commenting on "Gordon's twin" also. Slightly depressed, less good looking, and repping the "other, non-madormo" college station, but still...it's pretty creepy.

speaking of creepy...

.k.

I don't take no sick days.

2006-10-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

I don't feel good.

If you have ever wondered why I love my job, it is because of people like the dude above. Working for the Loop has opened my eyes to a whole new class of people that simply make me feel great about life.

For the sake of the story, we'll call this man "Knuckles" and here's his rap...

Every once in awhile, I have to go cover random events for the station (do the job I used to do) when we have people on vacation or too many events that day or whatever. It's fine. I did that stuff for a long time and I'm good at it. With that said though, I have been out of the "on-site" game for awhile now and my tough leathered skin has been softened by the cushion of a desk chair. Like I said, I only fill in once in a rare while.

You learn very quickly when dealing with radio listeners on a daily basis, that they are a certain breed. And by radio listeners, I don't mean the people who casually flip stations in their car on their way to work. The people I am talking about are the die-hards. The people that will engage you in hour long conversations about them listening to the Loop "long before you was even a thought in yo' momma's head" while you are doing an appearance at Advanced Auto Parts in Joliet. Or the guy who rolls up in the parking lot of Menards, honking and screaming and hanging out his rolled-down window at the Loop Hummer before he realizes that no one is in fact in said Hummer. THOSE PEOPLE. And it is because of those people that I have a job and I love them for that...but...over time you develop a thick skin protection from them. You maintain an arsenal of one-liners and comebacks to their textbook "Where's Johnny B?!" and the "You're too ugly to be the Rock Girl!", etc etc etc. You have to. At the height of my event working career, I would shoot them down in a split second. If they were approaching me, I had already heard everything they were going to say at least 30 times in the past week. It's what we do.

So insert current situation. Last week, I had to cover a live broadcast from a bar in Palatine while one of my guys was on vacation. I enjoy the live broadcasts because that's what I do for the most part now...coordinate and produce these live shows. That, and they are the most challenging events that we do on a weekly basis. They are long events, but rewarding when done correctly.

We were about an hour into our broadcast when I realized that I had become soft. I had been out of the dealing with listeners (listeners defined above) game too long. From the stage, I saw Knuckles come moshing his way into the bar and owning that bitch. He came straight for me. I was panic stricken. I tensed up and looked for anything to make me look busy but unfortunately, he was too quick for me. He got to me and stuck out both fists...for me to knuckle pound him of course. So I did and by the end of the show, had done so about 26 times (two fists at once). Shortly after the first "pounding", he was showing me his tats and pictures of "his girl" and so on and so forth. It was obvious that we were becoming friends. A year ago, I would have made contact, shot him down, and sent him on his way. But no, not this time. I was stuck. I showed too much fake interest in his craaaaazy life and I was stuck. He didn't leave the side of the stage for the rest of the show. He "wanted to take all the Loop in that he could".

About an hour before we were done...Knuckles calls me over and tells me that he has something he needs to show me. I get weirded out and say, nah I'm cool. He insists and I tell him that I am not going anywhere with him. He yells "aww hell no dude, it ain't like that!", which I already knew but was just checking. He then rolls his lip down and shows me his pride and joy.

No, fuck YOU asshole.

to be or not to be...

2006-10-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

If only I could animate myself in real life...Obviously I didn't get to my list. Perhaps tomorrow at work. I'm going to see the Falcon tomorrow night. I'm pretty excited. Good for Jeff for winning Project Runway...I didn't like his personality, but he did a good job. I still love Michael, but I'm less in love with him since I found out he's dating horbz alien face Brandi. She's the worst.

Bed Time.

xo

K

If that chick don't wanna know, forget 'er....

2006-10-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

...I'm at work. Eating my delicious lunch and taking a break from editing the fast paced "Risk Management" newsletter. I had to slow down, otherwise my excitment level might shoot through the roof. Enterprise Risk Management is some crazy ass shit...whew.

but I digress...

My delicious lunch today includes cottage cheese. I keep forgetting that I really like cottage cheese. It never appeals to me in the store and I never think "I could go for some cottage cheese!" but never the less I really like it and I am glad it could be part of my nutritious lunch box.

Yesterday I made a list here at work of things that are of importance/annoyance to me at this moment in time. I left the list at home, but one of them is still fresh in my mind and it is something I'd like to take public.

It would be the outlawing of those stupid shoes that have wheels on them. The ones that parents buy for thier children just to ruin other people's lives/trips to the mall/grocery store/airport.

Ugh. Everytime I see some little monster wearing these shoes it makes me want to grab them and say "The world is not your playground you little annoying child!!! I'm trying to not kill someone today and this is not helping!!!!" But then the parent might actually notice that they have a child for once and I'd go to jail, and I'm too pretty for jail. One thing is for sure, my child, when I have said child, will never be that child.

Circumstances like this strengthen my motivation for my line of children's books entitled "Don't be an asshole!" They would consist of the parent taking the child to places where children are most likely to be an asshole...and teaches them how to act. For example, "Don't be an Asshole, We have to go Grocery Shopping!" would teach children how to go to the grocery store with Mom or Dad and not sit in the cart screaming bloody murder or pulling things off the shelves making me want to trap them in the freezer case. It would also cut out the need for people to push around a Play-School truck that hardly fits down the aisle instead of a cart just so "Maddie" or "Hunter" will be able to sit still for an hour. Don't steal my idea...I'm making it happen.

Other things in the works, thinking of ideas for some t-shirts for myself...trying to like my job...wishing I had more money...and getting a kitten.

I plan on tackling my list this evening. Until then, there's about 15 boring articles with my name on them.

PBWY.

.kw.

This ain't in-school suspension, it's suspension suspension.

2006-10-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

Stop me if you've heard the one about the guys returning to the radio show they used to do in college for a reunion/anniversary show, and getting the current hosts suspended from the air for the following week...

Yeah. I wish I was making that up.

Apparently, when a show is being monitored hardcore ...they have a problem with the old hosts making fun of a crippled kid who used to work there on the air. Now, there were a few other factors that made that suspension possible (other incidents, Amber Paine dropping an F-bizzle on the air, etc), but when it came to the final judgment...we tipped the scale on that. The current hosts later went on to return to the air for a couple weeks and then were suspended until the end of November for another incident (not related to us). I found all of this out late on Sunday night, and normally, I wouldn't care. Not my problem, right? Wrong.

I have a serious problem with disappointing people that I respect...bosses, parents, family members, heroes, teachers, etc. Not serious problem as in I do it often, because well, that would make it a lot easier to take, but a serious problem in that it debilitates me. It consumes me with shame and I cannot function normally until it is mended. So, while hearing about all this suspension drama, I found out about the suspension we were responsible for and that J.Madormo was extremely upset with us. That's where it all become my problem. I have the utmost respect for this man and disappointing him was like disappointing a parent. He chose not to confront us about it to save a rift between us, but I could not sleep a wink knowing there was any ill will towards me and my pals after having such great experiences at that radio station. Hell, it got me the job I have today and the million memories I still retain.

So first thing Monday morning, I wrote John a lengthy email to clear my name and I would be more than happy to share it with you if you wish. It was a damn good email and it made things right between us and all is well again. If anything, it probably made our relationship with him, that much stronger. I felt like a turd for emailing, but there is just no way I could have ever faced a phonecall of that caliber.

Lesson learned: don't make fun a club-footed kid on the radio, even if he is a dick.

"Long story short, it's hard to be funny..."

2006-10-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

...A couple of days ago I was brushing and flossing when all of a sudden I saw a huge dark spot on my back left tooth. I was so upset, because I brush and floss quite often, and generally have tried to take good care of my delicate teeth. When I say delicate I mean that I'm no stranger to the root canal or removal of bad tooth, in fact I'm quite familiar with these procedures. So this is why I try very hard and this is also why I was so devistated. How embarrased was I going to be when I went to my dentist with this HUGE cavity??? Well I can tell you one thing, not as embarrassed as going to him with the HUGE cavity and it turning out to be a fucking filling that I got last year, which for some reason I never noticed in almost 365 days of brushing and flossing my delicate teeth. Worlds shortest dentist appointment=3 minutes.

On the way home, I was behind a semi and missed my exit, so i ended up going east on 90 instead of west, right by the toll booth. 35 minutes and $2.00 later I was on my way home. I then honked at an old man to let him know he could merge and he gave me the finger, with purpose. Like shaking it up and down at me.

Honestly? Honestly. Life: 1, Me: 0.

Please Pardon Our Dust...

2006-10-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

Talk about dropping the ball. This has been sitting idle for quite some time. I blame adulthood, (as I do for most of the shortcomings and unfortunate events in my life) for the fact that Mr. Gordon and I no longer see each other on a regular basis-or enough to even correspond about the lives that we no longer lead together.

Miraculously, we did have an enjoyable lunch encounter today and realized that we are both way too funny, charismatic, witty and full of shit to leave this unattended. So, there will be a format change...meaning there really isn't a format...and there will be writing.

over and out.

.k.

P.S. Life Circa 2004

Fucked around and got a triple double…

2006-03-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

For the last three years, I wanted to go to South by Southwest. Last year I came close, I was at least in the same state, but this year I really thought it was going to happen. Alas, it did not. but Someone who ALWAYS gets everything they want will be going AGAIN. It’s true, Mr. Gordon once more gets to go on a mini-excursion that turns me green with envy but makes me proud at the same time. The man works hard at what he does, what that is I don’t really know, but never the less he works hard at it and in return he is rewarded with the chance to rub elbows and clank beers with a dream team of underground celebrities. What an asshole.

In the past years, Mr. Gordon has not just attended various musical performances but has successfully befriended our most favorite comedian, got invited to a fancy schmancy party, interviewed some fat guy who he apparently idolizes, and also smashed numerous beer bottles on the ground while signing to Against me! and swinging around a light pole. Am I jealous though? Obviously not. But just because I can't go to Austin, to the only place I'd like to be right now, doesn't mean that I can't do cool things right here in the suburbs of Illinois.I started racking my brain for ideas and I came up with some goals that I could set and reach in what I like to call “the off season.”

• Just as Jesus is the reason for Christmas, NCAA is the reason that the month of March exists. In celebration of this years March Madness tournament, I have decided to get in the game myself. I have created a large NCAA bracket that is displayed in my “game room” along with the ten extra TV’s I have rented from our local Rentacenter so I can follow every game that is played. I have also dedicated myself to finding out just what the madness is all about, and why the hell people give this big a shit about college basketball. I do reserve the right to refuse to paint my face with that crazy makeup though. I have sensitive skin; we don’t want to go there. I will report my findings and my winnings at a later date. In all honesty, I’m rooting for the Demon Deacons, it just seems so right. Go (insert your favorite college basketball team here)!!!!!
• I am going to become superstitious. I see this as a sort of off shoot of obsessive compulsion and hope that it will in the end lead to taking up much of my days and take my mind off of the fun Mr. Gordon is having. Either that or I’m going to lose a lot of friends due to the fact that my socks haven’t been washed in weeks and I continually carry around a 2x4. To me, it’s a healthy hobby and nothing but a win/win situation.
• Much time and effort will go into developing my new strut. Enough said.
• I will be coining a much needed catch phrase.
• I am going to Keep It Real.
• Map out my next vacation which will take me cross country with stops at all of America’s best faux landmarks: The biggest ball of yarn and wheel of cheese just to name a few, and also every Bob’s Big Boy location that I can find. Who doesn’t love a restaurant with alliteration in the title and a huge ugly child as its mascot?
• I’m going to take this time to think of get rich quick and pyramid schemes in order to pay off my abundance of student loans.

So that is what I will be doing in my time here...now a glimpse into what Mr.Gordon is doing right now...while we speak via his T-Mobile Sidekick that he takes discreet photos with and leaks them to the internet...

Mr.Gordon (7:43:25 PM): Fuuuuuuuuck yeah
Auto response from Kdubbs (7:43:26 PM): around
Kdubbs (7:43:36 PM): oh jesus christ
Kdubbs (7:43:37 PM): thank god
Kdubbs (7:43:41 PM): are you in Austin yet?
Kdubbs(7:43:55 PM): nice cadilac icon
Mr. Gordon (7:43:58 PM): Fuck yeah I am
Mr. Gordon(7:44:03 PM): Haha thanks
Kdubbs (7:44:10 PM): i fucking hate you so much.
Mr. Gordon(7:44:47 PM): Dude I could not be happier to be here
Kdubbs(7:45:18 PM): It fucking snowed balls today
Mr. Gordon(7:46:03 PM): Its fucking like 69 and perfect
Mr. Gordon(7:46:43 PM): What have you done so far?
Mr. Gordon (7:47:29 PM): I'm kinda tips tight now
Kdubbs(7:47:47 PM): it's 7:45!
Kdubbs (7:47:54 PM): i'm so jealous.
Mr. Gordon (7:48:27 PM): Hahahahah
Mr. Gordon (7:48:40 PM): Dude I might not ever come back
Kdubbs (7:48:50 PM): I might not ever speak to you again.
Mr. Gordon (7:49:19 PM): Austin "gets it" dude
Mr. Gordon (7:49:35 PM): I love everything about this festival and this city
Mr. Gordon (7:49:46 PM): I feel at home everywhere I go
Kdubbs (7:49:53 PM): are you crying?
Mr. Gordon (7:50:17 PM): Hahhaha
Mr. Gordon(7:50:29 PM): I just might of pooed my pants a little
Kdubbs (7:50:39 PM): Did you Shart?
Mr. Gordon (7:51:16 PM): Nope
Mr. Gordon (7:51:25 PM): I fully pooed
Kdubbs (7:51:32 PM): no "I LITERALLY shit my pants"
Mr. Gordon (7:52:03 PM): Hahahhahahhahaha
Mr. Gordon (7:53:31 PM): I'm going to watch mix master mike in a warehouse tonight
Kdubbs (7:54:44 PM): So you're going to a rave tonight?
Mr. Gordon (7:57:26 PM): I'm gonna pass out in the street tonight
Kdubbs (7:57:41 PM): with glowsticks?

...that was the last I heard from him that night. The next morning:

" Things were great, skipped the rave. Went to a party the Taylor Hawkins (foo drummer) was at and I was too big of a lady to talk to him.

Drank a bunch of beers. Now in pain.
God bless.

__gordon__ "

Sounds like things went wonderfully for him. As for me, I didn't have enough money to keep all the stuff i rented for March Madness and all the teams I picked for my bracket already lost in the first round. Basketball is for suckers. Onto something new...

I'm sorry, but you're standing on my robe...

2006-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

Dear K.Dubbs:

Remember when we used to do this? Remember that it used to bring us joy to go on and on about really really made-up stuff? Remember how we always talk about starting this up again?

Well this is me making an attempt to start this bitch up.

More to come...I have to go to a funeral, again.

Hobbies are for people who want more friends...

2005-03-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

G-unit.

Sorry it's been so long, I was more than a bit under the weather recently. Apparently going hot tubbin' in the winter isn't such a good idea after all. Who knew though?

I guess our life of friendship has come down to making legal contracts and agreements that have to be notorized prior to the engagement, but if that is what it takes to get you out of your hobbit hole, then so be it my friend of many hair styles.

You don't have to worry about sitting in the front, Sean has motion sickness, yeah I know...what a baby. BUT! I've ate at about five different fast food places in the last week and made sure to keep all the garbage in the back for you...a little shrine to your love of left over fries and receipts perhaps? I also have like half a wardrobe and some really old cosmo's back there..at least you'll be well dressed, well fed, and really up to date on bedside astrology if nothing else.

I won't leave you alone, only when i have to pee, and well we both know that isn't a long venture. But just incase of emergency can you please take your agoraphobia meds this time? All I can say is this. If you encounter anyone with a helmet, put it on first so you don't hurt your head when you go crashing to the floor while you are laying there in the fetal position asking for your mom. It's not that I don't care about your unhealthy fear of public places and people, it's just that I only wiegh 115 lbs and I hate all the questions I get afterwards when people are astonished that I can actually scoop you up and put you over my shoulder with such ease. It's that whole center of attention thing, I can't handle it sometimes.

When the hell did you get shingles?...i'm actually kind of re-evaluating the need to hang out with you anymore.

You'll be too full on five week old hamburger rinds that you won't even think to ask for anything to eat, let alone want to dip it in anything. But If you're using some sort of code language for ectasy and chewing tobacco, then I'll make sure I kick you in the crotch and tell you to go wash your mouth out with soap...that is a little more scary don't you think? Better yet, why don't you just speak only when spoken to? That way we can make sure you don't say anything you wish you could take back.

I explained that whole thing to your dad...he said that he forgives you and if you had only cleaned the pool out after you were done that none of this would be an issue..he's lifted your grounding for the night, back to your regular curfew of 12. But since it's a special occasion, I've derived a plan to sneak you in past midnight. It does involve ducktape, fishing line, your chevy metro and your brother and sister have to help, but your parents will be none the wiser, believe me.

After all these regulations I'm thinking that it will be a good night if we get out that place without you getting a thousand calls on your cell phone regarding your where abouts and me keeping my pants in tact. I am really excited to see you though. For real. And I got new contacts, so I actually will be able to make out your face this time, instead of just staring at your head like some orb floating in front of me...You blame that on the alcohol, i stick strongly to the fact that my prescription was way old.

Lets make sure we document this on the old memory card, I can never have enough pictures of your wonderful face, or you peeing your pants.

My whopper is getting cold, so I must go to that instead of God. He understands.

Kisses.

KB.

Sharpie can't be erased, but can be scribbled out

2005-03-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

Kaybilly:

If we're going to hang out on Saturday, you need to get a few things straight before I jump in your Jeep for a journey to the ol' Foot.

(1) I am NOT sitting in front. I don't care how much Sean complains or offers me, I will not be riding shotgun. I made it perfectly clear that sitting on your McDonalds wrappers in the back is the right place for me.

(2) I better not be left alone to talk to a guy who is way cooler than I, while he holds a PBR in his left and his scooter helmet in the right. Just not happening sister.

(3) If you so even begin to mention my shingles, I'm out of there.

(4) If at any point in the evening I ask for chips and dip, pinch my cheek and call me a jerk. From there, we can salvage the night, but it won't be the same.

(5) I need you to have me home by 10:30, I'm grounded.

You've delt with more, so I'm assuming these things will be easy for you to comply with. Any concerns should be submitted in writing at least 24 hours prior to the day of the event.

Go to God.

G O R D O

Stop me if you've heard this one...

2005-02-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

Dearest G,

I must start out by explaining my fleeted urination. The key is…you don’t have to wash your hands EVERY time…I mean no one will know, and it makes you look like you have a super talent. It’s much easier said that done for some, but in my case it’s easy. I wear rubber gloves 24 hours a day, so even if I leak through the half roll of toilet paper I use, my hands stay clean and all I have to do is change those bitches and I’m on my way…you see you are no less of a human than I, I just have worse hygiene than most. But I can still amaze you and that’s all that matters.

Now that the cat’s out of the bag…comparing the moments we shared in an upscale ritzy neighborhood with hidden treasures like that store to the best years of our lives is purely an understatement. I’d like to begin with reminding you of a small reason why you don’t remember how to find the little store. After you got accused of holding the place up, pissed yourself and ruined my brand new beaded seat covers, the owner of the place was investigated and it was found that he not only owned one sawed off shot gun, but he was dealing arms out of the back of the place and that apartment above it you may ask? It was used to hold swingers parties for all those uptight residents that we liked to call “neighbors” back then. The place is closed my friend and I think you should take some pride in being the match that burnt it to the ground. Even if you did wet your pants like a thousand times after that just remembering the horror of the event:

We all have flaws, yours make you beautiful, inside and out.

Sleeping at 3 pm was a highlight. Remember that one time I thought you were hovering over me, but you told me to go back to sleep because it was a dream? That was weird huh? Anywho…Monday night TV will never be the same, and I’d like to thank you for always eating with the fork…it never failed that every Monday I just “happened” to run out of spoons. It wasn’t at all the fact that watching someone eat pudding with a fork is entertaining to someone like me. You’re a good sport. And you make a mean cupcake.

I enjoyed your little ode to us a la photographs so much that I thought I'd like to share some of the finer points that I have stowed away in my enormous brain.

Remember the time we decided to take a walk together, just to enjoy all that Naperville has to offer? Yeah that was great, but what I remember most about it was this:

We asked someone to take our picture so we could remember the great time we were having:

After they took that picture of only our mid sections, you got a little upset when I commented on the fact that I have better abs then you:

And then we weren't really on speaking terms:

But then you felt bad, because you know my abs are like obviously rock hard in that picture so we went and hung out with Stefan's Grama and ate noodles until I no longer had flat abs.

One event that needs no introduction was the best day before thanksgiving ever.

We got drunk and watched people eat pies out of waitresses crotches, I was embarrassed of course, and you were just plain disgusted.

So we got the hell out of there and went to a rave.
You got the last glow stick, so we shared, because that's what best friends do:

It was time to go when I had taken too much X and tried to make out with you:

I think I've let out one too many of our dirty secrets for one night.

This walk down memory lane has made me tired, for we all know I am not one for physical exertion of any kind.

As for my brother, I have alerted the republican authorities and he is well on his way to a recovery in an unknown christian right wing cult as we speak, so you shouldn't be hearing anymore from him...unless he concocts some hairbrained scheme to escape or they discover that he really wants to be there, either way he'll be out in no time.

I'm out.

For Old Time's Sake

2005-02-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

Trains are for thinking, and sexual positioning. (Uncle G)

2005-02-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest K.Dubbs:

First off, I would like to express my deepest concern for your well-being after we decided to do this, and then I took a leave of absence for weeks after. I know how hard you take things like that and there is no shitty candy hearts in the world that will ever make it ok. With that said though, I no longer will apologize for my mishaps leading up to this point, but we sure can talk about the past like it was the best years of our lives.

I was riding the train the other morning with a pad of paper and a pen, trying to think of things to either write about in one of my 3 "blog" things, and then I fell asleep.

Remember that weird little store in the neighborhood over here? I tried finding it the other day on my way back from work and I could not. It's like a heavy fog surounds the place and won't let me discover either coolest place in Naperville, or it is hiding me from a bloody and gooey death. My interest is peaking, the suspense is killing me. The truth of the matter though, is that I wouldn't feel right exploring the place without Dubbs watching my back, so maybe you're going to have to take a day off of slinging educations at people, and come hang out during the afternoon out here.

I keep running into your ex-roommate and it always makes me miss the days of walking into your room and finding both of you sleeping, so I would tip-toe backwards and close the door and pretend I wasn't creepy. The worst part of it all, was that it was like 3 in the afternoon all the time.

God, I miss TV night with pudding and the armchairs. That honestly will be one of my fondest memories of our friendship and college.

I'm feeling nostalgic now...let us reflect...

Art Museum Field Trip:

Waiting on the steps became boring, so you told one of the Goombas from the Mario Bros. Movie to eff off.

Waiting on the steps became boring, so we creeped out an old man and some children.

Waiting on the steps became boring, so you rolled your mustache like the cartoon character behind you.

We saw some art.

Then saw the inside of a bar at noon, while our classmates saw more art across the street.

Then we got drunk on our field trip, and were home by 4pm.

A couple weeks later, we pretended we weren't excited to see Avril at the mall.

God Bless. God Speed. God Rules!

Uncle Gordon

P.S. This is the weird shit your brother sends me,
http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html

Uncle Gordon's Intro

2005-02-14T16:20:00.000-08:00

Well look what we have here.

For anyone that may have any idea what this is, welcome back and put on your harness, this is going to be a killer ride.

This right here, is the personal correspondence between two the most alike people in the world (besides the fact that Dubbs can pee in 2.3 seconds, and well I...just can't). This will be an 'A - B' conversation so you know what to do with your 'C'. At times, it may seem like we are speaking to you, but we really don't mean for you to get involved. Just read, feel comfy, and maybe even feel inspired to get a friend.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It has been years since the last Correspondence update and it is entirely my fault. Dubbs wrote some really kickbutt updates, but I ran out of time and steam to actually get them up on the old Correspondence site. So, blame: taken.
- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

From this point on, you will read the back and forth letters between two of the smartest people to have ever lived (besides Ryan Seacrest)...

Soon

2005-02-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

I must confess. It has been almost a year since my last correspondence and the pennance that I recieved from the man formerly recognized as Mr. Gordon is enough to make an alter boy quiver. So on that note, I soon enough will be chaining myself to the computer and getting down to business. For now I must go bulk shopping..on Friday night.

Meet Your Parents.

2005-01-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

Get to know these faces. They will be corresponding.